Noah Baird wanted to attend the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College, but his grades weren’t good enough (who knew?). However, his grades were good enough to fly for the U.S. Navy (again, who knew?), where he spent 14 years until the government figured out surfers don’t make the best military aviators. He has also tried to be a stand-up comedian in Hawaii for Japanese tourists where the language barrier really screwed up some great jokes. On the bright side, a sailboat was named after the punchline of one of his jokes.
He has several political satire pieces published on The Spoof under the pen name orioncrew. Noah received his bachelors in Historical and Political Sciences from Chaminade University, where he graduated magna cum laude. He knows nothing about hoaxing Bigfoot. Donations to Clarity is his first novel.
You can visit his website at www.noahbaird.com or his blog at www.noahbaird.wordpress.com.
Connect with him at Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Noah-Baird-Writer/100193913390453.
Can you tell us a bit about yourself?
Where did you grow up? I’m from Florida. I grew up in a small town called New Port Richey.
Do you write during the day, at night or whenever you can sneak a few moments?
Usually at night or afternoon. I’m not a morning person.
What is this book about?
The plan was simple: hoax Bigfoot, then sell tours to Bigfoot enthusiasts. The plan wasn't brilliant, and neither were Harry, Earl, and Patch. The three chemical-abusing friends only wanted to avoid the 9 to 5 rat race, but their antics attract the attention of a real Bigfoot. When the misogynistic Earl is mistaken for a female Bigfoot by the nearsighted creature and captured; it is just the beginning of their problems.
The U.S. Government has a plan to naturalize the mythical creatures living within the U.S. borders. The problem is the plan needs to be carried out carefully. You can't just drop little green men and Sasquatch in the middle of Walmart without warning Ma and Pa Taxpayer. The naturalization program is not ready to be set into motion, and the rogue Bigfoot is bringing too much attention to itself, including a feisty investigative reporter who uncovers the truth of the government conspiracy and two Bigfoot researchers. No longer able to contain the situation, government agents are tasked with eliminating the Bigfoot and all witnesses.
Between bong hits and water balloon fights, Harry and Patch come up with a plan to save Earl and the lovestruck Bigfoot. Where do you hide a giant, mythical creature? In an insane asylum, because who is going to listen to them?
Along the way, the three friends learn Star Wars was a government training film for children, the truth behind Elvis meeting President Nixon, and the significance of the weight of the human turd.
I don’t tell a lot of people this, but I feel like we have a connection. The book is an autobiography. I hoaxed Bigfoot so I could open a Bigfoot tour company. I was captured by a Bigfoot because, I can only assume, he thought I was a female Bigfoot. Bigfoot tried to make his sex slave, but I escaped with the help of the world’s only Julian Lennon impersonator. It’s all true.
Who is your biggest supporter?
My parents; without a doubt.
Are you a member of a critique group? If no, who provides feedback on your work?
I’m not. I tried a few groups, but I wasn’t getting the feedback I needed. In my experience, the other writers are too polite to give you the honest truth. The groups seem like mutual masturbation sessions; everyone is there to get their egos stroked. It isn’t without benefit. Hearing what is working in your manuscript is helpful, but I was always interested in learning what wasn’t working.
I’ve allowed a few people to read chapters I wasn’t sure about. Otherwise, the first people to read the first draft are my parents.
Who is your favorite author?
It would be hard to pick one. I’d say Christopher Moore and Tim Dorsey are at the top of the list.
Do you have an agent or are you looking for one?
Was the road to publication smooth sailing or a bumpy ride?
In hindsight, I’d say it was smooth. Receiving rejection letters is not fun, but getting an acceptance letter validates the effort.
Where can readers purchase a copy of your book? Amazon or Second Wind Publishing.
Where can readers find you online?
Do you have a video trailer to promote your book? If yes, where can readers find it?
I don’t. I still haven’t quite gotten my head around using video to promote books.
Giveaways, Contests and Prizes!
Noah will be attending Pump Up Your Book’s 1st Annual Holiday Extravaganza Facebook Party on December 16. More than 50 books, gifts and cash awards will be given away including a paperback copy of Donations to Clarity! Visit the official party page here!